Chapter 1; part 9

continued from part 8

I leaned my forehead against the wall and tried to control the tears that were beginning to form. Melissa and Lorrie joined me in the hall and I told them. We hugged one another and cried softly, then collected Hal's things from the waiting room and left to find his new room and await his return.

The elevator was slower than ever that day so we kept busy walking up and down the nine floors several times getting things organized and waiting for my son Mike to join us.

I had everything arranged in his room, this time a four-person ward when Hal was wheeled in, groaning loudly. Once he was settled in bed, Mike, Melissa and Lorrie joined me at his beside for a few minutes, and then, one by one they raced from the room. They told me later they couldn't stand to see him so distressed. The nurses settled him with another shot of Demerol and when he dropped off to sleep she sent me home assuring me he wouldn't waken until morning.

Back at the house Mike stationed himself at the phone and called the rest of the family to tell them the news. I didn't want to speak to any of them but it was important for me to listen while Mike spoke to them. I think it became more real as I listened to him tell the same story over again. His voice was calm, but I knew how upset he was. The children at the end of the phone greeted the news with a combination of shock and acceptance.

Mike had brought back with us a box of barbecued chicken wings and we sat on the floor around the big coffee table and ate and talked. At the end of the meal, I felt heavy from overeating and discovered I had eaten only one wing. That was an important feeling for me. I knew, for the first time, what it felt like not to want to eat, and this feeling served as a guide later when Hal had no appetite.

We needed to stay close to one another and we floundered around trying to find a focus; we simply didn't know what to expect or what we should be doing. We were mentally shipwrecked. I wondered out loud how long it would take for him to get back on his feet and whether he would ever work again. Death was certainly on our minds.

My thoughts idiotically swung back and forth with questions and probabilities and when I thought about Hal possibly dying I heard myself ask, "Do you realize I might actually go out on a date sometime?"

The girls looked surprised and then startled when I continued. "Are you supposed to sleep with a man now, on the first date?"

They looked at one another and finally Lorrie said gently,
"Well, you have that choice; you don't have to do anything you don't want to."

I was taking on the double burden of projecting ahead to life on my own while also wondering whether I could be strong enough to give Hal everything he would need through this illness.
continued n part 10