chapter 14 part 1 Winding Down

continued from chapter 13:part5

Excerpt from my diary: June
He’s slowly slipping away from me. He’s so brave and so thin. His smile stretches over his teeth, much like a skull.
Before the last (third) series of chemo three weeks ago, the doctor said there was a significant shrinkage of tumors and was so pleased. That was the same week Hal had to switch to morphine to control the pain.
I panic at the very thought of living without him, but in a sense, that is already happening.
We have some joyful moments, but he is so weak. We did manage a walk to the plaza a couple of days ago and that was a triumph. I had to dash into a store to buy some apple juice—he gets parched, presumably from the drugs. He also wakes up at night drenched with sweat and then he begins shivering.
He weighs 137 pounds now, down from the high 170's.
it's hard to believe I will ever feel lightness or joy again.

It's impossible to separate life from death; one flows from the other in an unbroken chain. I had never seen anyone I loved die and didn't know how to begin dealing with this incredible experience.
Yes, I knew Hal was dying; deep inside, I had known for several months. I was confused about what death meant, or what it entailed. When he was clearly terminal, I simply did not know what to expect or how to behave.

I'd heard tales of deathbed vigils lasting several days and I assumed that Hal would be lying quietly in his bed, surrounded by those of us who loved him so much. Then he would just peacefully fade. I took it for granted that I would know what to do and when to begin doing it.
I was wrong.

I really needed my imaginary interventionist to tap open the computer to check his files and say,

"Oh, yes, Hal; well, he is dying now because his body shows signs of thus and so. What you should consider is who you want to be with him, such as family and possibly some friends.
Then you begin to alert them so that someone is with him throughout the day and night. Think of it as taking shifts. You're confused because he is often so alert and speaks with you as though it's an ordinary time. But make your arrangements and if he refuses to discuss his imminent death then you'd better take pains not to make it look like a deathbed vigil."

That's what it would have taken to get my brain into gear.

continued in chapter 14; part 2