chapter 10: part 1 Accept Help

continued from chapter 9: part 4

I’m a member of the I’d rather do it myself school from way back and learning to accept help during Hal‘s illness was another lesson to learn. I had the idea that if I didn’t do everything myself I was showing weakness and that might not help Hal. My false pride slowly evaporated as I learned the value of receiving sympathetic support from friends and family.

This is partly about learning to say yes. The only time the rules change is if you are by nature a taker, a person who willingly turns over responsibility to a willing ally; then you are better off learning to say, "No thanks, I can do it myself," or you become someone you won’t want to know. A clinger.

Sometimes you can give help when visitors are uneasy. "I’d like to visit but what would I say?"
I used to ask questions like this when a friend was ailing and now I know the answers.
In the early days, your friends will be as upset as you are and they will flounder around waiting for cues from you. What can they do for you and your partner? Also at first, you may feel you want to handle things by yourself while you are figuring things out, and you probably can.

There are two stages to the early part of a prolonged illness. First is the stage when people send cards and books or offer to run errands or do some driving, but since cancer takes a long time to control, don’t be disappointed when the phone calls and the offers to help start to fade away. It’s not that people care any less, it’s just that they have their own lives and problems and your cancer isn’t as imposing as it was at first.

When Hal told friends about his cancer, they were upset and spoke of feeling helpless, but always finished with, "If there is anything I can do." The response to I’m feeling helpless is that the fact that someone cares and is telling you is such a help. The words don’t have to be flowery. Just be there.

And sometimes just take the initiative and do something; bring food, send a book, flowers, audio or video tapes.
Our pal Connie told me much later that she had read somewhere that the best thing one can do is to keep in close touch and listen for clues of needed help and that’s what she did. She phoned regularly and never talked long. When Hal was feeling punk from his chemotherapy and I needed to get out to do some errands, she dropped everything to slip over bearing a basket of fresh fruits and some of Ian’s health bread that hit the spot with a guy who hadn’t felt like eating. She sat on the foot of the bed and they talked shop and when she left Hal was so much more relaxed and animated for the rest of the day.

continued in chapter 10: part 2