chapter 4: part 3

continued from Chapter 4: part 2

Once we got that, " where-will-Pat-live?" madness out of our systems, our minds switched back to normal and we became more thoughtful and reasonable and eased up on the intensity of our daily lives. We learned we could value each day without going into dramatic overdrive.

We continued to say I love you, although not twenty times a day. And our kisses were more spontaneous and tender rather than acts of desperation. Slowly the good even tempo of our lives returned and we did what we had been doing anyway. We appreciated and loved one another.

We tried to keep the frightening thoughts locked inside, but the “cottage on the lake” caper released some of the strain. We recognized that our lives were changing and we were not completely in control, or at least our future together wasn’t.

We talked and thought and talked some more and slowly our needs were taking some form. It meant making choices, adding some important new flavors to our lives and discarding the stale.

It also meant in our case, loving one another unconditionally. We thought we had been doing that all along but we hadn’t really learned. Giving up that tired old marriage game, having the last word, was an example of that.

It also meant making sure there wasn’t any loose baggage to sort through with the children. No one gets through their children’s adolescence without some sort of unfinished business, and Hal made time to encourage the kids to close the gap if they had some lingering unfinished business.

Slowly we gained more control over our feelings and the initial shock subsided. We were able to sort things out each day so that there was never a major obstacle kept on the back burner to work through at a later time. We knew we had got through another day without physical pain or symptoms and we valued the chance to keep everything up to date.

We were relived that our conscious confrontation with mortality hadn’t left us opting for selling everything of value to take a world cruise, or roaming the countryside searching for Ashrams or faith healers or “miracle” clinics. It was almost a pleasant surprise to find that we weren’t about to change that much.

We were anchored to our reality and to one another and the flotsam in our lives was being quietly and simply cast aside. One positive outcome of getting a proverbial kick in the teeth is that you value the same life that you took for granted a while ago. We also had something else we had taken for granted in the past-we recognized we had been given the gift of time to tidy up any loose ends, whether either of us lived one month more or a complete life span.

We questioned how to “fight” this invisible enemy, which literally remained concealed and formless for months after the operation. We were constantly aware that this thing was still inside Hal’s body, but it was giving us some breathing time. Hal felt so well he couldn’t really believe he was carrying as ticking time bomb around inside him.

That little voice helped me when I let it. I believe in quiet contemplation to keep my life centered, but I was casual and undisciplined about how often this would happen. I began to set aside some time most days to sit quietly, keeping my thoughts stilled, to let my inner feelings come forward. This was a time of learning and I needed to keep my mind receptive to absorb as much as I could.

Everything I read and heard told me that a positive attitude can benefit the immune system. Adherents of self- help and positive thinking insist that everything to do with cancer hinges around the immune system and the job is to keep it humming.
continued in chapter 4: part 4