chapter 10: part 2

continued from chapter 10: part 1

Friends from the office have a special role to fill; at first the office gossip is fine, as long as it isn’t about an office reshuffle that might stress out the absentee. Bring in messages of concern, keep it light and remember you don’t have to stay long. Berry remembers with gratitude the three office friends who faithfully came once a week to see Ron while he was recuperating. He appreciated being able to keep up with office happenings and he felt part of the group and not an outcast.

Hal was never one to ask his sons to help him with any sort of home project, but when they learned he was planning to rebuild the back porch shortly after his operation, it became a family project and provided such closeness. Hal designed it and ordered the wood and Mark and Mike were present to tear down the old porch and rebuild. Hal was feeling pretty weak but interested, and I have snapshots of him sitting in a chair on the back lawn while the boys worked. Hal was a good project manager, too. He was delighted to see how much Mark knew about building and Mike was only too eager to learn for when he has his own place. He was content to watch, soak in the closeness with his sons, and give advice only when asked.

Keep a list taped on the wall near the phone with things that require doing that you haven’t been able to do. If friends or family offer to help then let them cook, bake, mend, perform minor repairs, do errands or possibly give some business advice over matters the partner looked after and is not prepared to deal with now. Use that list and if one item is particularly urgent, then speak up.

When Hal felt well, he met friends for lunch regularly. Later, when he was in hospital, his lunch buddies came to visit there on their way to lunch. The talked shop and joked and left him still feeling part of the bunch. That was such a good tonic.

During the times when Hal was recovering from a round of chemotherapy, anxious friends would ask to visit and we often found the visits hard to handle. There are two groups here--the ones who pop in and instinctively know how long to stay and what to do and others who who are unsure of themselves. I didn't want the latter group to come but did I say so? No.
We both appreciated their caring but it was hard for me to concentrate on simple tasks like making coffee and checking to see if there was cream and I wasn't into small talk anymore.

I checked these feeling out with others going through the same experiences and they all felt the same way. By all means, come and visit but here's what you do. You bring with you a coffee cake and the coffee from Starbucks or wherever, and make it a short visit.

You are valued and welcome, but the household is not running normally and your help is welcome. Social visits are healthy and necessary but your hosts aren’t living a normal life as yet.

Other things you might do is to bring something ready made such as a casserole something will keep for a few days. Getting out for groceries is hard to do and after a while it doesn’t seem important.

The length of your visit can vary, but keep it to half an hour or so unless you are urged to stay longer. If you are, time the rest of the visit in half hour increments and watch for signs of weariness. Some of the recuperating people couldn’t bring themselves to ask a dear friend to leave because they were tired. Hal was this way and although he knew the friend would understand he couldn’t say please leave now.

It’s best that when you arrive, to ask the hostess if half an hour is about right , then take your leave. Hal could sometimes excuse himself to return to the bedroom to rest but not always.

Phone calls were always welcome but keep them brief. Occasionally I would be caught on the phone with a friend who had just learned of Hal’s illness; this person wouldn’t know how to get off the phone and I was too drained to do anything about it and after I felt so weary.

All the while I would be listening for sounds from the bedroom. You’re not behaving like a normal person during tense times and you simply forget temporarily how to handle what should be mildly difficult situations.

We would accept those infrequent dinner invitations and that felt good. I often wished more people would ask us over to their place. They would assume we couldn’t make it. It would give Hal something to look forward to and then we could leave when he said the word.

Another way to help is to send casseroles, cookies, puddings, fruit, or bring a favorite movie, if not for the patient then the caregiver.
I worked hard to give Hal nutritious, attractive looking food he could manage but when he was settled into bed for the night I would settle for a peanut butter sandwich. I forgot after a while what a vegetable was like.

We had a grim joke that for every pound Hal lost, I would gain one.

continued in chapter 10: part 3