chapter 14; part 6

continued from chapter 14; part 5

The doctors came by around two o'clock that afternoon and for the first time they behaved like lunatics; they shouted at Hal as though he had just lost his hearing, and said inane things like,

"Oh, you were sleeping were you, Mr. Tennant? Good, you get all the sleep you can."

Hal eyed them warily and interrupted the shouting match to ask some brisk questions about treatment he felt he required and they agreed to it.

Then, still in the loud voices, moving their lips to be distinct,

"Now you get all the sleep you want. We won't disturb you if you want to sleep."

What was going on?

As they turned to leave, Doctor Beam motioned with his head for me to follow him out of the room.

In the hall, he sent the residents away and then he said,

"Do you know what's going on?"

I wasn't sure what that question meant and while I tried to frame a reply, he said,

"He's dying, your husband is now dying; you seem to be pretty tuned in to what's happening. What we want to do now is keep him as comfortable as we can. We'll stop all tests."

I knew, I'd known for so long, but we'd never talked about it before, the doctor and I. I wept quietly and we talked a bit. I told him my parents were both dying, the cat had been euthanized that morning and here I was, at my age, about to become an orphan and a widow and the family pet would be gone as well. That was a ludicrous statement and we both laughed a little over that.

He offered me sedatives and I heatedly replied,

"No, no I can't do that; I need to be clear headed if I'm called back at night. I want to be here for him."

He said, "There's one other thing; I need to know what your husband feels about resuscitation should his heart fail. We're legally obliged to try to revive him unless he states otherwise."

"Oh, you mean DNR; I know he'd never want that, please give the order not to resuscitate."

"Well, it's not that simple; he must make the decision. It's okay if you ask him and pass on the message or I can go in and ask him now if you like."

No, that should come from me. I'll leave a message with the nurse after we discuss it."

I returned to the room and Hal immediately asked what we had been talking about. I took his hand.

"Honey, you've had some close calls lately and the doctor wants to know what you want done if your heart gives out. Do you want to be resuscitated? We talked about the possibility of his brain being deprived of oxygen and finally Hal said,

"Well, if my heart fails, then let me go."

"If this does happen, what kind of a send-off do you want?"

"Well, I'd like some kind of a gathering of friends, eating and drinking and telling nice things about me--if you think anyone would come."

He was so tender and so serious. I joked that I'd try to rustle up one or two people.

While I sat by the bed waiting for him to fall asleep, I thought about what the doctor said and also about his strange behavior at the bedside. He's unsure of death, I thought. He works with death all the time and he doesn't know how to deal with it. Some of the nurses have begun shouting also. They seemed to know intellectually he was beginning his journey but they seemed to think his hearing left in advance.

When Hal fell asleep, I sat and watched over him for a while. Then, I pulled a notebook out of my purse and began jotting down names of people who would have to be told, when he died. When that was done, I got up and emptied out his storage locker; I bundled up his clothes and his shoes and took them all home. I had turned into an efficient zombie—there was no feeling left in me.

continued in chapter 14; part 7