chapter 7: part 3 Who to Tell?

continued from chapter 7: part 2

Some of the people in our support groups were such private people they found it tough even to be there, but came either because of the bitter loneliness they were suffering or their mates demanded it. For this small group the thought of going public would have caused even more emotional suffering.

Fiona found it tough when at first her husband Sean refused to let anyone know but the children because, "I don't want their pity." She is a gregarious person who finds strength in sharing the hard times with close friends but she was faithful to her promise. In time, he got over the first shock and opened up by first telling his brothers and much later he grudgingly agreed to tell his business clients. This risk-taking opened up a wealth of love particularly from his brothers. They showed their feelings and came closer together.

Rachael and Eric never considered secrecy. His company was understanding and encouraging and their friends were shocked but supportive. He was an athletic, energetic man and overcompensated by rushing back to his regular tennis games and later renovating the bathroom. there is this prevailing feeling,"If I can do all these things, then I can't be sick, can I?"

At first, getting used to hospitals and doctors and the news that your life is no longer yours alone is enough to handle. If you think back to your feelings when you learned a friends or acquaintance had cancer, you pretty well wrote that person off, and you have to face that some friends will write you off.

If you choose to talk about your cancer, you will risk people shunning you because they don't know how to treat you and wondering how you'll fit into dinner parties. I mean, are you going to ask for special foods at the last minute or worse still, not eat a thing while your hair drops onto your plate and will you talk cancer all through the meal? Will you sit there like a cadaver? Ah, all the unknowns.

Berry said that friends she believed would be close and understanding couldn't come to see Ronald while he was recuperating explaining, "I wouldn't know what to talk to him about." That's the cue for the partner to ease this passage; be prepared to sit in on visits until they struggle to recapture their old relaxed ways.

Along with personal feelings, there will be general upsets from the outside world.
We had put some money aside to enlarge my study on the third floor and had arranged with a contractor that his architect would draw up the rough plans and also steer the details through the city hall committee of adjustment, for one thousand dollars.
After the operation, I phoned the contractor to tell him that we would have to put a halt to the plans and gave a brief explanation. He ignored my explanation and said the plans were done and I said fine, we'll pay for them.

The very next day he sent a lackey over to the house to deliver the plans and the man, with great embarrassment, asked for the full fee, immediately. Obviously they didn't want to lose out if Hal died.

They didn't fulfil the steps outlined to earn the fee and the plans were a simple outline of what was to be done without any specific details. He deserved some money but not the entire amount. I remember being angry at the moment, but I was so deeply stressed with worry about Hal I wrote the cheque.

continued in chapter 7: part 4