chapter 14: part 10

continued from chapter 14: part 9

On the way home from the hospital that night, I went over and over in my mind what was happening. Hal was going to suffocate to death; he had suffered so much and I couldn't bear for him to go through any more. I was reminded of a "friend," a former nurse who assured me, early on, that when things got tough she'd be there to advise me. She disappeared from sight long before the tough times.

As soon as I got home I raced to the phone and called Alice. Alice is a writer, a first class researcher and a person who comes through in the crunch.

"Alice, I need help."

I quickly described what had been happening to Hal and then said,

"I want to end Hal's life; I don't want him to suffer anymore. He's dying but he doesn't deserve this kind of death."

Alice said without hesitation,

"Okay, I'm going to start making some enquiries. You just sit tight and don't do anything until you hear from me and I promise to get back to you by tomorrow morning at the latest."

She called later that night.

"I have the information you need and I want you to come by my house tomorrow morning on the way to the hospital."

I agreed to this and said I would bring son Michael along.

We arrived around nine o'clock. She moved to put her arms around me and I drew back.

"Alice, I can hang together as long as nobody is too nice to me, so please don't hug me. I appreciate your concern."

She sat us down.

"Look, I know what you want to do is a tremendous display of love but I can't let you do it. I talked to a couple of doctor friends and others who have gone this route and the fact is that it's too difficult to do in a hospital. If there was time to get him home then you could. You will end up sitting in a jail cell and while you don't care now there will be a time when it will matter.
Now there is an alternative. Have all treatments been stopped?"

"Well, no, they're giving him Ventalin through an oxygen mask two or three times a day and it terrifies him."

"Stop that immediately. Anything that sounds like ventilation is just going to prolong his suffering. What else?"

"They seem to have stopped drawing blood, but he has been getting his morphine by pill until yesterday when he asked them not to expect him to swallow anything more, so they've switched back to the liquid."

"Okay, when you get to the hospital, ask to see the doctor privately and make all arrangements to keep him sedated and comfortable. Make sure all treatment is stopped. And don't try anything else."

I trusted her completely and somehow she persuaded me that this was the right course to take.

We arrived at the hospital to find Hal looking peaceful and alert. He'd slept well but he was lying slightly propped up and wasn't about to get out of bed.

When Hal napped, we stole out of the room and searched out the resident, Doctor Walters, who was on call that day. We asked for a private place to meet and he took us to a nearby office. We then sorted through our misunderstandings, that no, we didn't want anymore ventalin treatment, we wanted Hal to go on steady morphine drip, that we had said everything we needed to say to one another and we wanted him to be as unaware as possible when he died.

I asked,

"From what I saw yesterday, he's going to suffocate, isn't he?"
His answer was simple. "Yes."

When we returned to the room, Hal was getting the ventalin treatment and he gave me a desperate, fearful look. The nurse was soon behind me and she immediately removed the mask.

"Mister Tennant, " she shouted, "You're not going to have anymore of these treatments. This was your last."

He looked so relieved.

I was holding his hand and he said,

"What happened?" He was referring to yesterday and the breathing problems.

I looked up at Mike before I replied, "It's in both your lungs, sweetheart."

He nodded. He slept briefly and when he awoke, he tenderly reached over and removed my hand from his. He seemed to know the rest of the journey was his alone.

Mike stayed for a while longer, then left for home and we arranged that when I got Hal settled for sleep I would come over for dinner.

It had been a loving, peaceful day.

In the late afternoon, Hal sat up and watched an entire tennis match on television. I remember that Martina Natilova won. He got down some orange sherbet.

The nurse wheeled in the infusion cart, a computerised mechanism that metes out the various drips into the main intravenous tube.

Hal looked confused.

"What's that? Are they going to put a tube back down my throat?"

"No, no darling; remember? This is the infusion box; you asked yesterday that they not give you any more pills so they are going to give you your morphine by drip. That's all."

Two nurses came in to settle him for the night just as I was struggling to lift him toward the head of the bed. I don't know what it is, but they always tend to slide down until their feet are pressing uncomfortably on the foot board. They gently shifted him up and arranged his pillows for maximum comfort, tucked in around on the side so that he could ease into them. His breathing was shallow but he appeared calm.

I remember thinking, how wonderful it will be to go to Mike and Lorries' place and just relax for a bit. I hope he falls asleep quickly.

When the nurses left the room, his began became rapid and shallow and I took his hand and kissed him.

"I'll stay with you until you're fast asleep, so don't you worry."

He looked relieved and closed his eyes. He fell asleep almost immediately.

Quietly, I gathered my things and crept from the room. The nurse hurried toward me.

"Look, you've spent long hours here every day, and I think you should go home and get some rest, but if one of the children wants to spend the night that will be fine. We're trying hard to keep the other bed free for your privacy."

I thanked her but told her the children were pretty tired too, but I would pass on the message.

I remember feeling anxious to leave I must have been emotionally and physically exhausted.the hospital that night. I would spend a couple of hours with Mike and Lorrie and have everyday conversation and relax a bit and then I'd go home.
continued in chapter 14: part 11