chapter 14: part 9

continued from chapter 14: part 8

Hal settled into an exhausted sleep, still gasping, and without taking my eyes off him, I asked the nurse to call the children.

Melissa came first. Her boss swiftly called for a taxi and waited with her until it came. I told her softly what had happened and we sat by the bedside, watching him take a shallow breath, then a long pause and another breath. Michael and Lorrie arrived and we filled them in. We were hypnotized by his breathing. Then Mark arrived. He had mostly stayed away from the hospital but I knew how much he cared because of the fearful way he asked for news by phone. He took one look at Hal, me propping up his head, the nose prongs and the sound of the oxygen and he burst into ragged tears. Melissa rushed over to him and he quickly controlled himself.

I was frightened and confused; I said to them,

"I don't know what to expect. I don't know what we should do".

We looked at one another and shared confusion about this role we were thrust in.

Hal opened his eyes and looked from face to face. He smiled and managed to gasp out,

"If you think you're keeping a vigil, forget it."


Later, he woke and spotted Mark. He smiled.

"Every time I open my eyes, the room is more crowded."

Around mid- afternoon, he opened his eyes and said, panting,

"I feel that it's over."

Oh lord, I thought, I must say just the right thing now.

"What is, dear?"

"My illness."

"How does that feel?"

"It feels great."


Later, we interpreted his reply in different ways. Mike and Mark thought he was saying he knew he was dying, but Melissa and I, who had seen so much, both believed he felt he had reached a turning point and was going to recover.

The rest of the day seemed, in retrospect, like a Gothic cartoon. His breathing was ragged, His hair looked lank and untended, but the last few days he had stopped requesting that I help him to the shower or shampoo his hair and settled for spotty bed baths.

There must have been a sea of liquid in him because we felt like the fire brigade slipping the little jug-like container under the covers, then emptying it and almost immediately starting all over again.

You can eventually get used to any situation and I pulled my daily egg sandwich out of my purse. Melissa and I shared that and the boys went out to bring back hamburgers and drinks. We broke out the morning paper and read interesting snippets to one another. It was as though we were sitting around the kitchen table on a normal day.

David had been bringing the baby to the office each day for Melissa to nurse her; today she remembered to bring the breast pump with her, and retired behind the curtains to express milk, while we listened to the humming sound with interest.

Every so often the girls walked up and down the corridor with me.

"I don't know how to express this," I said, "But this is so much a part of life it's impossible to separate the two."

The nurses spoke to us in hushed whispers and told us they would give us as much privacy as possible. We were all surprised when in mid afternoon, Hal was awake and saying a few words. The attendant brought in his dinner tray and he began to sit up.

We were astonished.


"You want some dinner?"

Nod.

We were all exhausted. I looked at the weary faces around me.

"In that case, you kids go home; I'll stay until he's settled for the night."

He ate a little sherbet, watched some television and behaved as though it was just another night. Then he settled down and I stayed until I knew he was soundly asleep.

The next day, Saturday, he was feeling fit enough to sit in a chair for a while the children came and sat quietly with him for several hours. Melissa came in with the baby Hallie, his namesake, and he gave them a loving smile.

Again, when dinner was brought in, sherbet and liquid nutritional supplement, I sent them home and I stayed longer. This time, when the nurse settled him for sleep, his breathing was jerky and he looked perturbed. I sensed he was frightened.

"Now, don't worry, I'm staying with you until you fall asleep."

He nodded and closed his eyes and I stayed close to him until I could see he was deeply asleep.

continued in chapter 14: part 10